Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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