Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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