Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
