apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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