I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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