i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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