I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
