ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
