did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
