I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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