Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
someone owes me an orgasm
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Come see our sink grown plant.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
