He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
