If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
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My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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