I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
