If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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