I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Buhtt sex?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
