I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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