I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
