apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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