Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
