Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
