good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
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My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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