I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
