I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
