Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?