I need to stop coming to work sober
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
