New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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