Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
