I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
When are your genitals available?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
