will power is for people who don't want to get laid
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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