literally had 100 drinks last night.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
