She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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