Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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