You made me cry and you don't even care
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
