You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
