hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
