i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
