he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
