It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
