apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
