Im at strip club and am horny
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
