I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
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Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
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Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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