I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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