I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
