I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
