I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
