Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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