my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
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She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
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Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
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