I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
