Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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