I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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