The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
