I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Randomize
