How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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