True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
