just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
