I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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