It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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