Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
