I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
